Doll buisness
by Marinella-babe
Summary: AU Kenny is pretty disgusting, Stan's a perfect guy, people think Kyle is going crazy, and Cartman is a possessed doll.
1. Kenny is disgusting

"Your basement is pretty cool," Kenny tapped the flickering lightbulb on the ceiling, "Dark, but cool."  
Kyle rolled his eyes as he sat on a chair in the corner, "I can't control the whether, Kenny. Believe me if I could, I'd make it summer everyday." He stared at his wet jeans and attempted to rub the water away. It didn't work.  
"Nah, man, it's cool." Kenny shrugged, "But, uh, wouldn't it be better to actually go inside your house and kick back and watch some tv."  
"You know how my mom is." Kyle hunched forward and rested his elbows on his knees, "My mom wants the house to be spotless. She's a neat freak." It was fairly true, of course Kyle's mom wanted the house to be clean but mainly, she didn't approve of Kenny's odor.  
"Damn." Kenny exhaled as he shoved his hands on the pockets of his hoodie, he froze, and slowly pulled out his hand from his pocket, revealing a light orange stretched out condom.  
"Ugh, sick man!" Kyle exclaimed as he fidgeted from his seat.  
Kenny laughed, "oh Kyleeeeee, it's the big snake monster!" He wiggled the condom and shook it front of Kyle.  
Kyle jumped from his seat, "Stay away from me with that." He said as he backed away.  
Kenny laughed, and in that very moment, Kyle ran from him as he chased him.  
"Kenny, stop I'm seri-" Kyle crashed into the wall and fell back. He groaned.  
"Dude, check it out."  
Kyle saw Kennys feet move away from him as he dropped the condom on Kyle's nose, Kyle quickly shook off the condom. "You're fucking disgusting."  
Kenny ignored him as he inspected the wall. "Wow man you really busted the wall."  
Kyle sat up and looked at the wall, big chunks of the wall had fallen off and Kyle noticed that at the corner of the wall, was something brown poking out. "What's that?" Kyle asked as he pointed at the brown object.  
"I don't know, man, this is your basement."  
Kyle rolled his eyes and got up from the floor, "I've never seen that before."  
"Let's find out what it is." Kenny said, and without hesitation, he pulled off another chunk of the wall, bringing the brown object in view.  
"Cmon man, don't destroy my wall."  
Kenny pulled off the brown object, revealing it to be box. On the front of the box it said in big bold black letters "HAZARD:DO NOT OPEN"  
"What could it be?" Kyle said as he traced his fingers on the box. It's texture was rough and it looked as if it were hand made.  
Kenny shrugged. "Maybe it's a bomb."  
Kyle tilted his head at him and squinted at him.  
"It says we can't open it so it might as well be a bomb."  
"Kyle sighed, "Well it says it's not supposed to be open so-"  
Kenny ripped open the lid.  
"Kenny!"  
Kenny glanced at him with a smirk, "All I heard was blah blab blah open." He grabbed whatever was in the box and pulled it in view. To their surprise it was a rag doll, a chubby one to. With a red coat and black buttons, a blue and yellow hat pulled over his brown hair, loose brown and black shoes. The doll wasn't smiling, his mouth was in a straight line and his dark little beady eyes was painted a dark shade of brown.  
"Is this some fucking joke?" Kenny shook the doll. "Maybe there's a bomb inside." He squeezed the plush toy, but nothing.  
Kyle laughed, "Dude, oh my god." He wiped the tears away from the corner of his eyes. "Your face, oh my god."  
"Did you put the doll in the box?"  
"No, but I wish I did." Kyle laughed.  
"Can we please go to your room?"  
Kyle nodded, "Sure my mom prolly went to the store by now." He followed Kenny up the stairs, he still held the small doll in his fist.

"It getting late." Kyle said as he glanced at his window.  
Kenny was laying on his bed while the doll was left abandoned below Kyle's desk. "So?"  
"So, shouldn't you go home?"  
"Nah."  
"Dude, go home."  
Kenny faked a gasp, "Are you kicking me out?"  
"Yes. Get the fuck out my house." Kyle said as he scribbled the answer for x on his worksheet.  
"Token's gon have a party in a few hours. Wanna come with me?" Kenny glanced at Kyle, "You could be my date."  
"I'd rather go with a trash can."  
Kenny rolled his eyes and rolled out of bed, "Fuck you, man." He said. He glanced at the door and then at Kyle, "Show me out?"  
Kyle exaggerated a groan.  
"Dick."  
Kyle chuckled as he stood out from his desk and walked with Kenny out his door. "See ya, tomorrow."  
"You gon go to the movies with Bebe and I?"  
Kyle shrugged, "I'm not going to do anything tomorrow. So, might as well."  
"I'll set you up on a date, man."  
Kyle gave Kenny an apathetic look, "I'm dating Stan."  
Kenny rolled his eyes, "Call me when y'all break up." He said before leaving.  
Kyle shut the door behind him, and then began walking up the stairs to his room. His stomach plummeted at the sight of the doll being propped onto the white pillows, a smirk plastered onto his face.


	2. No sounds

Kyle's breath sharpened, wasn't the doll on the floor!? Kyle shut his eyes tightly, He did not move. He did not move. Kyle chanted to himself, quietly. When his eyes fluttered open, the doll's borderline smile has reappeared and he laid on a pillow instead of being propped into one.

Kyle rubbed his head, he should probably stop with the late night video games and reading binges. The fantasy in both is really affecting his mind and wellbeing. Kyle glanced at the clock. _10:25 pm_ , it read. Kyle walked over to his bed and gently picked up the doll and laid it down on top of the black alarm clock. Kyle climbed into bed and pulled open the covers and tucked himself in, he took one glance at the doll before closing his eyes.

 _Creek Creek_

Kyle turned in his bed.

 _Creek Creek_

Kyle squinted at the alarm clock, _3:18 am_. He rubbed his eyes, He searched the room for the making of the sound when he spotted the door, it was creaking open. He would've thought it was the wind that was moving it ever so gently until he noticed that the doll wasn't in its place.  
Kyle slowly sat on his bed, all while looking at the door. And that's when he saw it, the doll, the little fatass, was slowly moving the door open. Kyle's eyes widened and he gasped, as soon as his gasp filled the rooms' silence, the doll fell lifelessly on to the floor.  
He sat there, staring at the doll. _Holy Shit, this thing is alive._ Kyle reached for his phone, he clicked the home button numerous times but the screen remained black.  
He needed to call Kenny.  
Kyle jumped off the bed and ran to the door, opening it wide enough for the doll to be pushed out of the way. Kyle ran to his living room and grabbed the white home phone, he skimmed through the book of contacts, sitting near the phone, and spotted Kenny's contact. He furiously typed the numbers on the pad and walked away from the phone pad. It started ringing, _I know you're up_.  
"Hello?" Answered the phone.  
"Kenny!" Kyle couldn't help but feel relieved at hearing the sound of his friend.  
"Not so loud, my folks are asleep."  
"Yea sure, whatever." Kyle took a deep breath, "I have to tell you something." He said in one breath.  
"Yea?"  
"Remember the doll we found in the base-" the phone suddenly died.  
Kyle stared at the phone in disbelief, that's when he saw the wire dangling from the phone. Kyle's breath quickened and he turned around,slowly, and saw the sight of the doll with large scissors from Kyle's father next to him.  
Kyle's heart quickened.  
"Kyle?"  
Kyle turned away from the doll to see his 5 year old little brother staring up at him with those big beautiful dark brown Canadian eyes. "Ike! It's late what are you doing up?"  
"Can't sleep." He mumbled, he pointed a finger at the dangling wire, "wiiiirrrre?" he stretched out the word.  
"Science project." Kyle said, in one short breath.  
Ike continued to stare at him until he spotted the doll, "Dolllllyyyyy." He said as he walked to the doll and snatched it up from the table. He inspected the doll, lifting its arms up and slowly turning the doll around. He looked up at Kyle with curious eyes.  
Kyle quickly glanced at the doll and then at Ike, "Stan gave it to me." He snatched the doll away from Ike, "It's... Really important to me."  
Ike smiled politely at Kyle.  
"Now go to bed, Maple Syrup." Kyle tickled Ike's waist.  
Ike giggled, "Nighty Night." He said in a hush voice as he walked away from Kyle and back to his room.  
Kyle sighed in relief and stared at the doll in his hand. "What am I going to do with you?" He wondered out loud before bringing the doll up to his room, locking the door behind him.


	3. Wink Wink

Kyle sat on his bed, he rested the doll on his leg. This doll...it could be the death of him. But if the doll wanted to kill him it would've done it already. It could've stabbed Kyle with those sharp scissors but it didn't. All it did was cut the phone wire. He lightly stroked the dolls' cheek with his thumb, it's eyes stared at Kyle and he looked as if he wanted to say something. But he didn't say a word.  
Kyle looked at the clock, 3:50 am. He sighed and lightly rested the doll on the pillow next to him. He turned to his side and faced the doll. He stared at him until his eyes got droopy and his whole body was relaxed.

Kyle blinked at his ceiling fan, he forgot to turn it on and was awaken by the extreme heat. He looked at the place he left the doll, empty, if that weren't a surprise. But the most surprising thing he witnessed was that the doll was at the foot of the bed trying to fit into a small rusty airplane that Ike had found in the basement.  
Kyle grinned at the sight of the little fatass, "I can see you, ya know."  
The doll froze up, before falling back into bed.  
He sat up and gently picked the doll up, he stared at his eyes before speaking. "Don't be afraid of me." He said, as softly as he could. "I won't hurt you, I already know that you're alive. You can't fool me."  
The doll still laid motionless.  
"At least," Kyle sighed, "At least give me the smallest motion of action." He waited for the doll to respond. But nothing. And just as he was going to lay the doll on the pillow next to him, the doll winked.  
Kyle's grin reached his ears.


	4. Talking

' _You still chillin with us or nah?'_  
Kyle froze as he saw that message, he was supposed to be going with Bebe and Kenny to the movie theaters today, but he certainly didn't have time to spend with Kenny after the wink from the doll. Not to mention that he was in no mood to play the act of a third wheel.  
' _Can't. Brother got the flu._ " Kyle typed as he shut off his phone and rested it on his desk.  
His door opened slowly, revealing his dishelved younger brother.  
"Jesus, you look horrible." Kyle said as he jumped off of the bed. "You sick or something?" He walked over to Ike and placed his hand on Ike's forehead, perfect temperature.  
"4 words." Ike said as he rubbed his tiresome eyes, "Mom. Dad. Wrestling. Bed."  
Kyle furrowed his eyebrows, "wrestl- _oh_." Kyle's cheeks flushed, he was certainly lucky he'd pick the bedroom farther from their parents home and closer to the bathroom. And especially lucky he didn't have to hear any of their role play nights.  
Ike nodded, he walked over to Kyle's bed and collapsed on to it. A few seconds later he lifted up his chest and pulled out the rag doll, he held it in his hands as his eyes wondered over it. "You said Stan made this for you, right?"  
"Yea." Kyle walked over to his bookcase and pulled out a book, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Kenny had recommended it to him, sure he wasn't a big reader- scratch that, Kenny didn't read at all. But he did pick the book up to read to his younger sister, Karen. Karen picked it out and wanted to be read to.  
"It looks pretty old..."  
"It is." Kyle said, all too quickly. "His family's ancient favorite toy...to be exact."  
Ike scrunched his face up, he suddenly smiled and looked at Kyle. "Would you mind if I...play with it?" His voice was small and soft.  
Kyle looked between the doll and his brother. He didn't know whether he should let Ike play with it, or snatch it away from his hand. He crossed his arms behind his back. " Sure... You should play outside though, for fresh air and what not."  
"It's not like we don't have air inside." Ike mumbled.  
Kyle rolled his eyes at the comment, "Take a shower and brush your teeth."  
Ike laid his head on Kyle's pillow, "Can I stay here for a few more minutes?" He spoke into the pillow, his words muffled.  
"Sure."

~~~~  
Kyle sat on the stairs from outside and read his book, every few paragraphs he would glance at Ike, who had shoved the doll in a Barbie car and pretend drove it.  
He couldn't help but smile at the innocent sight of his baby brother playing with dolls and having the best time of his imaginations.  
Ike lifted the doll up from the car, "Time to go to the sky, dolly!" He said as he held the doll in his hand and steered him through the sky, while one hand was holding the dolly, his other was on the ground. He gave a sharp cry and abandoned the doll on the ground  
Kyle putted his book down, "What happened?" He asked as Ike started walking towards him.  
"Look." Ike showed Kyle his small hand, sticking out of it was a small shard of glass.  
Kyle held Ike's hand upwards while he used his other to take off the small glass shard. He heard Ike gasp, "It was just a small-"  
"No, look." Ike pointed to across the street, where a dog, A Tosa Inu, was running at full speed towards them. And that's when Kyle saw it, the dog's eyes and saw that it rested on the doll. Kyle ran towards the doll, he did what those baseball players did in the process. You know when they run towards the base and extend their foot and land on their ass. That's exactly what Kyle did.  
He snatched the doll up in one hand and placed it behind his back as the dog was inches away from him, he exposed his forearm to the dog, this has caused the dog to bite into Kyle's slim forearm.  
Kyle screamed in pain and shut his eyes as hard and tight as he can.  
Then, something was played through the air, the dog fell to the ground howling and wailing.  
A man emerged from the same house as the dog had escaped with a chain in his hand and the other holding a dog whistle while blowing into it. He kept blowing it until he walked calmly to Kyle and Ike and had tied the chain on to the dogs neck. "My apologies." He started, " I was just in my backyard when-"  
"It doesn't matter." Kyle said simply as he turned his back from him, the only sound he heard was Ike's questioning on his wellbeing and the dogs loud obnoxious barks.

Kyle opened up the emergency kit, the doll was left on his desk and he was sitting on the floor right now ready to bandage the fresh wound.  
He extended his arm and let his other start wrapping the medical tape around the wound.  
"Are you seriously not going to use alcohol?"  
Kyle froze. His ears perked up and he slowly turned to the doll, he was pressed up against Kyle's lamp and was tapping his small doll hand on his leg. He was looking straight at Kyle.  
Kyle tried to calm his beating heart, "Alcohol stings like hell."  
The doll rolled it's eyes, "that just means it's working. Its meant to clean the wound and take out the bacteria."  
He looked down at his tape and sighed, he removed it and searched the medical box for the alcohol and cotton. "Don't have alcohol."  
"How-Never mind, help me down." He extended his arms at Kyle and folded and unfolded his hands.  
Kyle scrunched up his face at the doll, "You can run from my room to the living in a blink of an eye, you can use scissors to cut the wire from my home phone, but you can't get off a desk?"  
The doll lowered his eyes at Kyle and sighed, he jumped off the desk and landed on his face."  
Kyle quickly got on his feet and turned over the doll to its back. "You okay?"  
"Yeah." The doll grunted, he held onto Kyle's finger and got on his feet. "You don't even know how high you desk is."  
"My desk isn't high. You're just short."  
The doll struck a glare at him, "I'm not short. We're almost the same height."  
Kyle laughed, "Dude, you're only a few inches taller than my ankle."  
"Shut up, you stupid Jew."  
"How'd you know I was Jewish?"  
"You're dad came in here while you were sleeping to collect the laundry." The doll patted his hat, "He wore a Jewish hat."  
"A kippa." Kyle corrected. "Anyways, what's your name?"  
"Eric, but you could call me Cartman."  
"I think I like the name fatass better"  
Cartman punched Kyle's leg, "Shut the fuck up, Jew."  
"It's Kyle."  
Cartman squinted at Kyle, "Kyle? That's a white name."  
"I am white."  
"No, you're Jewish. You can't be white _and_ Jewish."  
Kyle shook his head, "You're retarded."  
"You can hate all you want, we both know I'm better than you."  
"You're a _doll_ and I'm a human." Kyle pointed out.  
"Just get me a fucking lemon for your cut."


	5. 31

"So," Kyle watched as Cartman started cutting the lemon in half, "How are you alive?"  
"Why you wanna know? Want in on the doll biz?"  
Kyle raised his eyebrow, "Just curious, ya know?" Kyle thought for a second, "Do all toys come alive? Like toy story?"  
"If all toys came alive, they would've been locked away like me." Cartman rested the lemon on Kyle's cut, causing Kyle to suck his teeth in pain. "Relax, it's working."  
"Why were you locked away?"  
"Same reason why I'm a goddamn doll." He moved the lemon in circular motions on the cut.  
Kyle winced at the pain, "Well, why are you a doll?"  
"I did something stupid that I won't ever regret."  
"Like...?"  
"It's a long story."  
"I've got time."  
Cartman looked at Kyle and gave him a sly smile before looking back down at his cut. "Alright I'll tell you. Just.. Uh... What year is it?"  
"2016."  
Cartman's eyes widened as he dropped the lemon on the ground.  
Kyle tilted his head, "Dude, are you okay?"  
"31." He said.  
"What?"  
"I've been trapped in that stupid fucking box for 31 years."  
Kyle looked at Cartman, "Dude, I'm so sorr-"  
"Do I look like an old man?"  
"What?"  
"Tell me the truth, do I look like an 50 year old man?"  
"You're not at all worried about the people you had to leave behind."  
"I had only one person I could truly ever trust and she fucked everything up for me."  
Kyle looked intrigued, his eyes wide and full with wonder.  
Cartman sighed. He removed the lemon and started bandaging up the wound. "This stupid ginger, by the name of Scott Tenorman, ripped me off, and I had had enough. So I staged a murder of his parents and cooked gem up into chili and fed it to him. Since then the FBI were doing everything in their power to find me as well as my mom." He looked around the room, "This used to be my room." He looked at Kyle, "And now it's yours."  
"Why were they trying to find your mom?"  
"She was a witch-"  
"A sorceress?" Kyle leaned forward  
"No a fucking bitchy witch." He said, "And they knew my mom could use her witchy powers or some shit to hide me."  
"Wait so if your mom had powers, don't you?"  
Cartman Stared at Kyle.  
"Well...?"  
Cartman picked up the lemon and held it in one hand, "The only shit I can do is this." Suddenly, his hand disappeared and the lemon stood in the air. He swore he saw Kyle's eyes sparkle. His hand reappeared and he dropped the lemon. "Pretty useless, I know."  
"I think it's pretty cool."  
"Continue the story."  
"I guess my mom had enough of hiding so she trapped me as -he gestured at himself- this, and locked me in a box and trapped me inside the wall covering."  
"Wow."  
Cartman got up and brushed himself off.  
"But wait what about that girl you were talking about?"  
"That's a story for another time."


	6. Stan vs Cartman

The small red ball bounced between Cartman's hands, in his perspective, the ball was as big as a basket ball. His eyes were glued on Kyle as he searched his closet, shirtless. Cartman studied every detail of Kyle's chest, small pink nipples that looked as if they were blushing, a handful of red chest hair sprouting out in a curly mess, he was sure they were bound to get tangled together. A petite yet lean build, when his arms are flexed, he could see the muscle sprouting. It was hidden every time he rested his arms.  
He was an innie and Cartman noticed small red hair trails from his stomach to-  
"Have you seen my black shirt?" He knocked Cartman out of his trance.  
"Huh?"  
"Black shirt," Kyle opened his closet door for the hundredth time that day, "I can't remember where I put it."  
"Why would you wear a shirt?"  
Kyle froze and slowly stared at Cartman with a goofish smile.  
"No, wait- I meant it differently." Thank god Cartman couldn't blush, "I swear I don't like you- I mean, I do like you but as a friend or some shit, I meant it in a-"  
Kyle laughed, " I know what you're trying to say, I always wear my orange sweater so there's no need to wear a shirt."  
"Yea." Cartman sighed in relief, the last thing he'd want is for Kyle to think he was gay or having the hots for him.  
"I just bought a black shirt and want to show it off to Stan."  
"Stan?" Cartman tilted his head in confusion.  
"Yea, shit I forgot to tell you." Kyle grabbed his orange sweater that was hanging on his hook and put it on, nothing underneath. "He's my boyfriend."  
Cartman raised his eyebrows, "You're a fag?"  
Kyle winced.  
"A Jew and a fag, that's an unusual mix."  
"Fat and bigoted, copying Archie Bunker, I see."  
"Who's Archie-"  
The doorbell rang, Kyle announced he was going to open it before dissapearing. He returned to his room with a ravenette. And, as usual, Cartman sat on his desk, lifeless.  
"We should get started on our Algebra homework." Kyle said as he gently moved Cartman away from his bin of pencils, pens, and scissors.  
Stan laid on Kyle's Terrance and Phillip bedspread, "Dude, cmon, it's Sunday."  
"Exactly, I know damn well you're gonna be begging for the answers Monday morning."  
Stan laughed, "You know me so well."  
"Jesus, it's hot." Kyle started taking off his hoodie until he realized he had no shirt underneath. He froze as Stan stared at his naked stomach, Cartman used his strength to stay lifeless instead of knocking Stans teeth in.  
"Woah." Stan smiled, it was one of those smiles that made Stan look goofy but cute at the same time, the smile that would remind Kyle why he loved him. The smile that caused killer moths to start attacking Kyle's organs. They were never just harmless butterflies.  
Kyle rolled his eyes, trying to look like he didn't care but his blush betrayed him. He took off his hoodie. "It's not like we've never seen each other shirtless before."  
"True, but you're still a virgin."  
Kyle wrapped his hands around Stan's jaw, "Call it, saving myself." He slowly connected his lips with Stan, Stan didn't spend any more seconds to wrap both hands on Kyle's petite waist and began moving Kyle on top of him. His hands roamed Kyle's back, reaching lower and lower to grab the goods.  
Stan felt himself get a little too excited, and knew that Kyle felt it too by the way he gasped. Stan grinned and flipped him over, he smiled reassuringly at Kyle as he straddled his waist. He leaned down and began placing soft kisses on Kyle's neck, down to his collarbone.  
Cartman's eyes widened at the sight of them, he searched the desk, he could throw pencils at Stan, but he doubts that would stop him. He could throw scissors; but scissors were heavy as fuck and probably wouldn't make it that far. That's when he spot it; a small radio on Kyle's desk. He walked over to it and glanced at the pair, Stan was trailing his hands down Kyle's stomach.  
Cartman pressed the CD option  
 _No CD inserted_  
He turned the radio to its max, and then pr _essed FM_  
 _Please don't make any sudden moves. You don't know the half of the abuse._ The radio sang  
The sounds ringed and buzzed through Cartman's ears, he smirked as he saw Stan fall off Kyle's waist from surprisement.  
"What the fuck?" Stan grumbled as he shuffled to his feet.  
Kyle glanced at the smirking doll before he turned lifeless. "Sorry, man." He said he got up and pulled up his pants and picked up the doll and turned off the radio. "Busted radio." He mumbled as he sat in his chair, holding Cartman on his lap, he twisted Cartman's brown locks on one finger.  
"It's cool." He stretched and collapsed on the bed, "Universe got an awesome way to cockblock." He smiled at Kyle.  
"Yea." Kyle trailed as he looked down at the doll, he picked it up and turned it to him and pressed it on his stomach and looked down at him.  
Cartman glared at Kyle, while clutching his soft white skin. Kyle smiled.  
"Who gave you that doll?" Stan asked, he lifted himself upright, stomach laying on the bed.  
"Found it." Kyle opened his drawer and shuffled in it before finding the old braces elastic he wore every night. He picked two up and started tying Cartman's hair into pigtails. "He's cute, right?" He turned to show Stan his final creation, a doll with beady eyes that glared at Stan while having harmless messy pigtails.  
"Sureeee." Stan said, he rolled his eyes. He looked down at his phone then back at Kyle, "Gotta go, man. Supposed to pick Shelly up from work."  
"Why can't she just drive home?"  
"Got caught being with a 40 year old guy so my parents took her car away."  
Kyle grimaced, "Gross."  
Stan chuckled before getting up and placing a kiss on Kyle's cheek, he ruffled his hair before leaving the room.  
Cartman looked up at Kyle.  
Kyle looked down at Cartman, "What?"  
"Dude, I'm 50 years old and you said I was cute."  
"You also claim that I'm a fag but here you are, getting jealous of Stan."


End file.
